presents a translation of the Soviet satire:

CONVERSATION OF A REST HOME DEPUTY DIRECTOR
WITH GUESTS ON THE DAY OF THEIR ARRIVAL
by
Mikhail Zadornov
(c. 1983)

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Comrades! You must conduct yourselves with a high degree of cultural refinement when resting in our new, comfortable rest home, seeing as it was completed on the memorable 47th anniversary of the beginning of its construction! And it received its certification of completion ahead of schedule--a full two years before the construction was finished.

So, first of all, about the rooms... Our rooms, comrades, are new, spacious, and comfortable! Each one has space for twelve cots. Therefore, in the rooms it is categorically forbidden to smoke, litter, walk, and, most importantly, talk, taking into consideration the excellent audibility between the rooms as well as the poor ventilation, arising from the absence of windows which the builders, in their haste, put not on the outside of the building, but between the rooms.

Furthermore: remember, since the builders didn't manage to install locks in all the rooms, you should take all your things with you when leaving the room, even for a short period of time!

Many people are interested to know: will we be giving out towels? Good news! We have a new laundry! However, it has been under repair since before it was built, so towels will be distributed according to strict regulations: one waffle towel for every room, and two terry-cloth towels for every three floors! I see worried faces. You're asking, how will we dry ourselves? I can allay your fears, comrades: you won't have to dry yourselves at all, because, in both our 18-story wings, the water doesn't get higher than the basement, and only in the spring.

Now about the elevators! Our elevators, comrades, are also new, spacious, and comfortable! However, since they aren't the same size as the elevator shafts, you can see them right here through the windows--there they are, standing in the courtyard. True, these aren't all the elevators. As part of our rational economic policy, we turned several of them into changing rooms on the beach. Only, I don't advise any of you to change in them. The automatic doors have rusted and don't always work. As a result, in each of them there is currently one guest from the previous tour group.

A few words about the beach. The beach, comrades, is our greatest joy! Spacious and comfortable! However, since we rent it out to 23 other rest homes, you have to try to grab space on it the evening before the day you want to go there. And while sunbathing during the day, you have to be careful, because, in the interests of the economic use of materials, the builders put the railroad line on the beach. And the train passengers have the habit of throwing things from the windows: empty food tins, bottles, etc. Recently, for example, there was an unfortunate incident on the beach and one person died after the director of the dining car was thrown out the window of the dining car.

A few words about swimming. There is nothing better for invigorating the organism than swimming in our sea. But this season, I don't recommend that anyone swim in it. At this moment, a very dangerous bacillus is spreading in the sea. And we only have one doctor at our rest home. Moreover, he's a young specialist who recently graduated with all 3's (grades of "C"--Trans.) from the Omsk Polytechnical Institute.

Comrades! Of course you'll all dreaming about losing some weight here. Good news! You will be assisted in reaching this goal by our new, spacious, and comfortable dining room, construction of which will begin in the next Five Year Plan. So far we've got its boiler house ready and we'll be eating there in seven shifts: first shift on Monday, second on Tuesday, and so on.

What else can I tell you to gladden your hearts?

Awaiting you in our rest home are all possible entertainment opportunities: discoteques, Saturday work parties, holiday trash-collection assignments! There are also various sporting competitions in such new types of sport as swimming in bags with your eyes closed.

Comrades! I understand that many of you will want to return home as soon as possible! Good news! For departures there is a separate ticket booth. True, you are, unfortunately, too late to order tickets there. This is because, in the interests of observing an orderly sale of tickets, guests must order tickets for departure exactly three days before their arrival.

And in conclusion: If someone doesn't like something, you can write a complaint. We promise that all your complaints will be promptly reviewed and those making the complaints will be kept here for a second session.

Well, that's it. I wish you all a good rest, invigoration, and, mainly, that you all return home!

THE END
Translated by Eric Konkol

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